Angell's Haven

URL for this route is: http://www.gmap-pedometer.com/?r=1269524

Just wanna say... I am alive and all that... just haven't been feeling motivated to blog. I truly hope for that to change. There has to be some sort of record of life, right? Maybe just living a little too much life to blog about lately. And maybe not enough to seem worthy of blogging... I'll catch up sometime when my heart and soul have something to say to those of you I love so dearly that read this. Hope all is well for everyone else these days!

Jimmy Eat World - The Middle Lyrics

Hey, don't write yourself off yet
It's only in your head you feel left out
Or looked down on
Just try your best, try everything you can
And don't you worry what they tell themselves
When you're away.

It just takes some time, little girl in the middle of the ride(over, and over)
Everything, everything will be just fine (over, and over)Everything, everything it'll be alright (alright)

Hey, you know they're all the same
You know you're doing better on your own (on your own)
So don't buy in.
Live right now
Yeah, just be yourself.
It doesn't matter if it's good enough
For someone else

It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride (over, and over)
Eveyrthing, everything it'll be just fine (over, and over) Everything, everything it'll be alright (alright)
It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride (over, and over)
Everything, everything it'll be just fine (over, and over)Everything, everything it'll be alright (alright)

Hey, don't write yourself off yet
It's only in your head you feel left out
Or looked down on
Just do your best, do everything you can.
And don't you worry what the bitter hearts, are gonna say

It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride (over, and over)
Everything, everything it'll be just fine (over, and over) Everything, everything it'll be alright (alright).
It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride (over, and over)
Everything, everything It'll be just fine (over, and over)
Everything, everything it'll be alright (alright)

I don't seem to know what to do with my anxiety lately. I've tried to start running but then this damn chest cold came back. I'm done with the latest round of meds for it and have a fancy new inhaler (advair) so hopefully that will help. But when it comes to exercise I've always seen it as a self punishment sort of thing when I'm feeling really worthless and like no one cares. I'm really, really trying to see it as a new, healthy coping mechanism rather than a way to beat myself up. I want to tell myself I am going running because I will feel much better when I come home from my run and know I've just spent time for me and accomplished something positive. I tried to do that tonight. I can guess what triggered my feelings though it's not really the point. The point is I didn't have a clue what to do with myself. I've never really experienced a panic attack but when that sudden, unrelenting anxiety hits to the point my hands shake I tend to wonder about similarities. Despite the fact that it was going to be dark soon, I threw on my tennis shoes. And despite the damn cold weather and annoying wind, I threw on a hat and gloves and hit the street. I had planned out a simple 2.5 mile run, just something to get the anxiety out but get hme home before it got too dark. Well, while running in an area I'm not as familiar with I forgot my route. I just kinda went with it (saw some awesome old houses, think I'll run in that neighborhood again). I was originally going to take Market to Linn for the way home but once I hit Market I thought I could do more. So I did. I admit, it wasn't the brightest decision since it was dark by then, but when that runners high sets in (I'm assuming that's what it's all about) it's almost disappointing to stop and you want to push yourself as much as possible. I trick myself into just another street, one more block over, just another half mile, only 5 more minutes... it's never ending. So I ran up to Fairchild and past the house I work at then down Linn. A block away from home I got worried that I hadn't done 3 miles so I went around the block to add a little extra distance. Coming up the stairs to my apartment I was exhausted but somehow mad that I hadn't done more. It was dark so I should be home (should've been home half an hour ago) but I feel like I easily could have done atleast another mile. I wish I could say I'm calm and happy now. I kind of feel satisfied in running 3.5 miles but it doesn't seem good enough. I don't know what my deal is. I hate expecting perfection out of myself in some areas then being terribly apathetic in others (like my midterm today). I'm trying so hard to turn some things around in my life before I graduate and officially become an adult or whatever, but it's been much harder than I expected and I don't really know how to do it, especially when I feel alone so much. Blah, just excuse my rant. I'm trying to use good outlets like exercise and journaling etc. I'm trying, that's the best I can do when I don't feel like I can reach out...


What I planned on running:
http://www.gmap-pedometer.com/?r=830846


What I ended up running:
http://www.gmap-pedometer.com/?r=830844



Just because it came on my Ipod and I forgot how good it is, here are some lyrics. Same with my current music Stabbing Westward 'Save Yourself.' Great music to run to!

Incubus "A Certain Shade Of Green"

A certain shade of green,
tell me, is that what you need?
All signs around say move ahead.
Could someone please explain to me your ever present
lack of speed?
Are your muscles bound by ropes?
Or do crutches cloud your day?
My sources say the road is clear,
and street signs point the way.
Are you gonna stand around till 2012 A.D.?
What are you waiting for,
A certain shade of green?
I think I grew a gray watching you procrastinate.
What are you waiting for,
A certain shade of green?
Would a written invitation
signed, "Choose now or lose it all,"
sedate your hesitation?
Or inflame and make you stall?
You've been raised in limitation,
but that glove never fit quite right.
The time has passed for hand-me-downs,
choose anew, please evolve,
take flight
What are you waiting for?
A written invitation?
A public declaration?
A private consolation?

I FINALLY saw Jesus Camp and let me just say, it scared the bajesus out of me! Yes, I was raised evangelical and went to a camp similar to that for several years (though pre George Bush), but please don't hate me. Yeah, I don't feel like truly ranting but I had to recommend the movie if you haven't seen it already. It really is disturbing. I wish they'd do a follow up in 10 or 20 years to see how the kids have grown up and what they believe in adulthood. That's all I feel like wasting time to say, but rent it and be ready to be horrified.

The Thursday right before spring break the weather got very nice after a long time of clouds and snow. In preparation for a midterm I drank more coffee than any person should have. I walked to work just to find out one of the kids I babysit was home sick so I couldn't clean. I walked back home but ran into Tim outside of John's Grocery. We had a quick lunch together and as per usual he mentioned he wanted to go on a motorcycle ride since it was the first nice day in ages. I just wanted my midterm to be done for it to officially be spring break. Eventually my coffee seriously kicked in and a whim suddenly struck me. Without saying anything about it to Tim I went home to do some research. I decided to take a beginners motorcycle class to get my license.

On my way to a pointless class I called my dad to pick his brain a bit. Despite the fact that he always wanted a daughter riding her own motorcycle (white Harley Sportster apparently), he wasn't very enthusiastic or supportive at the time. After class I sat outside Papajohn to do some last minute studying and call my brother before my midterm. I knew he had a bike but wasn't sure if he had ever taken the class. I wanted to learn more about it. I told him what I wanted to do and before I knew it my whim had grown on him. Next thing I know we're talking about him coming to Iowa City to take the class with me! That weekend we registered for the June 1st weekend class. We both wanted to do it a little sooner but this way we're done with school and won't have to worry about classes etc.

I didn't originally want to tell Tim about it. I kind of wanted to just surprise him but I was way too hyper (damn coffee) and excited to not tell him. That night, after teasing a bit, I finally told Tim. He seemed pretty excited for me. He had already told me that if we went on any big trip my butt would be on my own bike. He saved his own butt by rephrasing it, "I mean, as much as I want your arms around me, it would be sexier if you were on your own bike." Nice save. But I think I agree. He also politely told me that I wouldn't be riding his bike, unless sitting behind him of course. I laughed and asked if I looked like a dumbass. I naturally assumed I wouldn't ride his bike. I wouldn't want to! It's his baby, I don't want that responsibility! Hell no.

I was really excited about the whole idea at first. But intimidation and nerves set in about the time $125 was applied to my credit card. No turning back now. I'm always self conscious and worried about failing and I think that's the root of it. I'm sure I'm plenty of capable of getting my motorcycle license and riding a bike but I'm still nervous because I have zero experience. I guess its comforting to know I have several motorcycle lovin' men in my life that would be more than happy to help with anything I need. Dad's opinion has since changed and he's just as excited as I expected him to be about seeing his little girl ride a motorcycle.

But given the nerves and all, I was recently reminded why I really wanted to learn to ride in the first place. Granted, I've been a passenger since I was little but it had been several years since I had been on a bike. So sad. Well, Saturday night Tim decided to get his ear pierced as any biker should, right? Made me want to get another piercing... Anyway, Sunday was gorgeous and of course he needed to break in the new earring so we went for a celebratory ride to Muscatine. Like I said, it had been years so I needed a slight refresher but once I got on it was like my ass was right at home. Sometimes I even found myself alittle too comfortable, until my butt started to get sore that is. I do understand how/why some people may be scared of motorcycles but I'm so glad I was introduced to bikes at a young age. Just as I understand how some are afraid, I also know why some absolutely fall in love with riding and the lifestyle. It's certainly addictive, same as piercings as Tim is finding out!

So all in all, our first ride was great! The only negative parts were the wind and a helmet that was rather sloppy on my apparently small head. I eventually decided it wasn't worth the trouble and I was right. I'm all for safety but what's the point if it rotates up so much that the face shield stops covering my face at my nose? Then it catches the wind and whips my head back. No fun. I had to chuck it so Tim gave me his bandana (long hair in the wind may look sexy but all the knots in it aren't so hot). Badass. I need some. I remember wearing a red one when I was younger and my brother calling me Aunt Jemima :) Ha! We were out for a few hours and put about 120 miles on the bike. Tim was just excited to watch the odometer roll over to 1,800. Of course we had to cross the bridge into Illinois which was fun. Muscatine was a nice destination. I had never been there before. We drove around downtown and found some awesome old houses, the jaw-dropping kind that I love! And we killed some time next to the river hoping for a tugboat to pass by and watching all the other bikes that were out. I nodded and smiled while Tim explained mechanical things and pointed out different bikes. It would be a great place for lunch or to read but it was a little too windy and we needed to head back. I told Tim he created a monster because now I want to ride more. It definitely reassured me that this is something I want to learn for myself despite feeling nervous and intimidated.

If I want to ride more, future driver or passenger, I definitely need a helmet that fits me properly and sooner than later. I also need boots and gloves for the class and it wouldn't hurt to get a jean jacket again. Hobbies are expensive. Which is why I probably won't have a bike anytime soon. There's no where to park it even if I could afford it and justify it considering I don't even have a car. I don't know. First thing's first... get a helmet and license and beg Timmy for bike rides until then! :)

Ok this is crazy long but I've been meaning to post about the class and our ride so you got the combo deal! Feel like I've forgotten something tho...


4

Focus on where you want to go, not on what you fear.
- Anthony Robbins

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.
- Ambrose Redmoon

Ultimately we know deeply that the other side of every fear is a freedom.
- Marilyn Ferguson

I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.
- William Allen White

I'm not afraid of storms, for I'm learning how to sail my ship.
- Louisa May Alcott

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
- Marianne Williamson

Don't waste life in doubts and fears; spend yourself on the work before you, well assured that the right performance of this hour's duties will be the best preparation for the hours and ages that will follow it.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.
- Eleanor Roosevelt



I think I've been dealing with a lot of fear lately. From normal things like graduation and the fear of the unknown (which is plenty enough to deal with!), to some personal issues. It's hard not to be scared. I have to tell myself that every effort I make is important even if its uncomfortable or scary and I just want to give up. It's scary to think I could be worth it and maybe I am stronger than I thought. Failure is scary. Burdening or losing people I love scares me but holding it in scares me just as much. Just have a lot of fears I guess, always been a worry wart. I felt so weak and not in control on Monday but today I'm feeling like I might really be able to do this. It varies minute by minute. I'm trying not to dwell on what freaks me out and just take it step by step. So, here goes another day of trying and working my ass off to do what I know I need to be doing. Then I reward myself with Mug Nite with Simon and Jess, WOOT! I need it!


Ha! And I really liked this quote...

If I have inside of me the stuff to make cocoons,
maybe the stuff of butterflies is there, too.
-Trina Paulus


3

Just a mini, pre-celebratory update... I was pretty frustrated and down on Monday. Like I said, I just feel like I should be further along on a certain journey. Somehow a little light switch turned on Tuesday morning and I made a decision. The past two days have been very hard in a great way. I'm putting forth effort like I haven't in ages. Somehow I've managed to make it through. It's been incredibly difficult but tonight I will reach a goal I didn't think I was even ready to attempt yet. I want to see if I can push it further but it's all so scary. Just wanted to say that today is better than yesterday and yesterday was better than Monday.

But I also wanted to send out a thanks to a few special men in my life that have been crucial the past couple days. John, you're always there and interested in how I'm doing which means so much. You're a constant reminder that even someone far away cares about me. You know I love you! Simon, you let me talk and be honest about things I'm scared to say to anyone else and always offer an escape from my apartment and life struggles. You're my dance partner and a wonderful friend. Thanks for everything! Lastly, Timothy. Thank you for letting me talk when I'm ready and being so understanding and so uplifting when I find it so hard to believe in myself. There are definitely other guys like my brother, Joe and Devin that I miss being so close with, but just know that I love you guys like mad!

Granted, in reality it's a teeny step but at the moment it's huge for me. So... yay me! And thanks to the men I love to death! End of story.



I don't care if it's country, I'm addicted to several Keith Urban songs and this is certainly a fitting one!

Keith Urban- I Could Fly

Time stands still for no one
I know this is true
I've been stuck here waiting
Then along came you
And you gave me back
The love I had
The faith I'd lost
The life I knew

I wanna thank you for the love that you give me
And the sun that you put in my sky
You don't know how much you've lifted me up
But I feel so alive
That I could fly
I could fly, oh

There's no way I could've made it this far
Without you
You came to me just when I needed someone to believe
That I could make it through
And you gave me back
The love I had
The faith I'd lost
The life I knew

Above the clouds
Fly so high, never come down
Just you and I, I'm so in love
With you, with you
And you gave me back
The love I had
The faith I'd lost
The life I knew

I wanna thank you for the love that you give me
And the sun that you put in my sky
You don't know how much you've lifted me up
But I feel so alive

And I could fly, I could fly, oh
I wanna spread my wings
Let me tell you
Said I need your love, I need your love
Stay with me baby
Oh, I need your love, and I need your love
Stay with me baby
Oh, I need your love, I need your love
Stay with me baby
Yeah I need your love, and I need your love
Stay with me honey baby, c'mon now stay
C'mon now, yeah

You and me side by side walkin' through the woods in the pale moonlight
Oh yeah now and it feels so good




2

I spent part of the day feeling rather frustrated in my journey that this year has brought me. Hopefully I'll vaguely blog about it later, who knows. But, in a quick search for words of inspiration, I found the following... It's just a couple that really stood out for me. Hope you like them, too!


The health of the eye seems to demand a horizon.
We are never tired, so long as we can see far enough.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson


Finish each day and be done with it... You have done what you could;
some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in;
forget them as soon as you can.
Tomorrow is a new day;
you shall begin it well and serenely.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson


The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven.
-John Milton


When you get right down
to the root of the meaning
of the word succeed,
you find it simply means
to follow through.
-F. W. Nichol


The secret of success
is constancy to purpose.
-Benjamin Disraeli


Do what you can,
with what you have,
with where you are.
-Theodore Roosevelt


We are healed of a suffering
only by experiencing it to the full.
-Marcel Proust


Healing is a matter of time,
but it is sometimes also
a matter of opportunity.
-Hippocrates


The significant problems we face cannot be solved
at the same level of thinking
we were at when we created them.
-Albert Einstein


The greatest weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another.
-William James


It is never too late to become what you might have been.
-George Elliot


As a single footstep will not make a path on the earth,
so a single thought will not make a pathway in the mind.
To make a deep physical path, we walk again and again.
To make a deep mental path, we must think over and over
the kind of thoughts we wish to dominate our lives.
-Henry David Thoreau


Perhaps the most
valuable result
of all education
is the ability
to make yourself
do the thing
you have to do,
when it ought to be done,
whether you like it or not.
-Thomas Henry Huxley


I know of no more
encouraging fact
than the unquestionable
ability of man
to elevate his life
by conscious endeavor.
-Thoreau


Happiness is neither virtue nor pleasure nor this thing nor that but simply growth, We are happy when we are growing.
-William Butler Yeats

http://www.gmap-pedometer.com/?r=796667

I'm proud of myself! 5 miles this week. I only did two miles today but it seemed like the ideal distance for a short run (all I had time for). Doubt I'll get out tomorrow but I am teaching swim lessons apparently. Should be fun. But I really need to keep this up. I usually HATE running but maybe I'm starting a new habit? Not sure what we're doing tonight but I've got a date so it's time to shower! I'll keep posting when I run as motivation to keep going.

Happy Weekend Everyone!

PS I gotta say, I have my usual songs I work out to, but Jimmy Eat World has become a new fav. Pumps me up! Got other suggestions? Please share!

So I could've gone on a ride with Tim on his bike (would've been nice and I can't wait) but I decided I needed to go jog after the day I'd been having. I just needed to be out and DOING something to make myself feel better. So I kicked my ass by running the same route I did a week and a half ago. I ran from my place to Papa Murphy's/Walgreens at the intersection of Muscatine and 1st. There and back is 3.72 miles- up and down hills, not very flat. When I calculated it the first time it was 1.86 miles (God bless mapquest), but I forgot that I ran there AND back so I needed to double it. I was shocked to know I pushed myself that hard last time (especially since it was the first time out jogging in forever and I was still fairly sick). But I figured since I'd done it once then I could do it again. Well, it seemed easier this time!!! Could be because I'm not coughing as badly but still... I shaved about 5 minutes off my time and walked much less. I walked about half a mile total, here and there as needed and as a cool down. When I got home I didn't feel nearly as sick as I did last time either, just tired but in a good way. So that motivates me a bit. I want to make progress but that means running regularly, not a couple times a month. I'm sure I won't be able to walk for a couple days but it was totally worth it. I feel a little better. Not sure how long that will last but I needed to just feel like I had done something today so I didn't feel so inadequate. I'm still upset about the comment on my essay but hopefully my newly energetic endorphines will help in that department. Ok, gotta get ready for night class!

edit: http://www.gmap-pedometer.com/?r=788699 Ok, that was my route. Thanks Pete! I can see that thing's gonna be addictive and helpful all at the same time!

My Religion and Law professor handed back our essays today. I got an 80% on it which is totally acceptable considering I wrote it last minute and had a fairly difficult time with it (comparing St. Augustine of Hippo and St. Thomas Aquinas, sounds really great n' easy doesn't it?). I was already kinda out of it for my first class after spring break. I overslept (wasn't late though, just didn't wake as early as I planned) and was still very tired in class. I haven't gotten anything accomplished today which is bad because my to do list is huge! So I'm already feeling like a lazy, worthless piece of crap and then I get this essay back. Maybe I like tests because you just get the grade and no comments from the professor to make you feel badly. Ugh, I rather liked this guy before I read the last comment on my paper but now I just feel judged and stupid. How do you give a B- and then write something like that? I know I'm being overly sensitive (big shocker there huh?) but given my starting mood this just makes it worse. He wrote that it was "well organized but heartbreakingly inadequate." Ouch!!! Ok, I already thought "heartbreaking" was just... well, a heartbreaking word! Then add "inadequate" to it... ugh! I despise that word because I feel it so damn often about everything! It's a very haunting word for me. I wish I could just let this roll off my back but it's really ticking me off and making me feel like shit. It makes me feel like the whole world thinks I'm inadequate. It's irrational, I'm aware but I still think it. Did he need to phrase the comment like that? Just seems harsh from a professor. Maybe tell me that if I failed or got a D but a B-? Ok, so I'm "letting" it get to me but I don't know how to let comments like that not hurt me. I hate being so sensitive! Just needed to vent I guess. Time to make more coffee and try to get crap done before a seriously boring class this afternoon...

I know I need to blog something with real content but for now, here are just some lyrics that caught my attention this morning on my way to class.


Modest Mouse- The View (just part of the song)

As life gets longer, awful feels softer,
and it feels pretty soft to me.
And if it takes shit to make bliss,
well I feel pretty blissfully.

If life's not beautiful without the pain,
well I'd just rather never ever even see beauty again.
Well as life gets longer, awful feels softer.
And it feels pretty soft to me.

Yep, this song has completely grown on me this past week or so. It's been playing on my Ipod and even came on as I walked in to sign my apartment lease (which I'll blog about after midterms). Pretty fitting I must say. We've all heard it, but give it another listen. I'm addicted which means, I'm posting the lyrics!

Boston- Peace of Mind
Now if youre feelin kinda low bout the dues youve been paying
Futures coming much too slow
And you wanna run but somehow you just keep on stayin
Cant decide on which way to go
Yeah, yeah, yeah

I understand about indecision
But I dont care if I get behind
People livin in competition
All I want is to have my peace of mind.

Now youre climbin to the top of the company ladder
Hope it doesnt take too long
Cantcha you see therell come a day when it wont matter
Come a day when youll be gone

I understand about indecision
But I dont care if I get behind
People livin in competition
All I want is to have my peace of mind.

Take a look ahead, take a look ahead, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah...

Now everybodys got advice they just keep on givin
Doesnt mean too much to me
Lots of people out to make-believe theyre livin
Cant decide who they should be.

I understand about indecision
But I dont care if I get behind
People livin in competition
All I want is to have my peace of mind.

Take a look ahead, take a look ahead. look ahead.

"And the tears roll down my face
Till my cheeks are hot and red and soaking wet"

I just want to know where all this depression is coming from. And how do I get rid of it? I know it's always in me, but for some reason lately it's been finding its way into my daily life making simple living hard. I don't know how to juggle all these emotions without dropping one sometime and I don't know what will happen if I do. I feel like I've been making a lot of effort lately and yet, things are getting harder, not easier. And why do I reach out to some but not others? I just don't understand any of it... And now I have to start an essay that should've been half written by now... Just had to get something out. Good night all.

Some favorite Mountain Goats lyrics from my playlist tonight:

Up the Wolves- By the Mountain Goats

there's bound to be a ghost
at the back of your closet
no matter where you live
there'll all ways be a few things
maybe several things
that your gonna find really difficult to forgive

there's gonna come a day
when you'll feel better
you'll rise up easy on that day
and float from branch to branch
lighter than the air
just when that day is comming
who can say
who can say